All parents want their
children to grow up happy, healthy and secure. But sometimes, in
their efforts to give as much love as possible, moms and dads
relax the limits a little too much, which ends up sending a mixed
message to the children. The good news is that you can maintain
boundaries without sacrificing closeness. Here, a few situations
that demonstrate how.
I]
Question: My parents always told me to do things
"because I say so!" I promised myself I'd give my child reasons
for my decisions. What I'm finding is that it seems to encourage
my five-year-old to argue. If I say she can't have candy before
dinner because it will spoil her appetite, she insists that it
won't. If I still say no, she throws a tantrum and calls me names.
I don't want to be repressive, but I don't want to spoil her
either. What's the answer?
Dr. Sana Khan:
Who is the parent here? It seems as though your daughter is
picking up on your indecision, which simply makes her argue more.
You are probably proud of her spunk (I would be), but you're also
caught up in your own conflict to change the rigid approach of
your parents. That's hard for any of us to do. But if you honestly
believe in giving your daughter a chance to participate and
understand decisions, stick by your beliefs. However, when the
decisions are important ones, make it clear by your behavior and
by warning her, "This one is not up for argument." When you aren't
firm, your indecisiveness can be confusing to her. I think you are
on the right track, so stick with it. If she is frustrated and
needs to fall apart, so be it.
II]
Question: We have a six-week-old. When he cries, I go to
him, even if it isn't time for a feeding. I'll rock him a bit, and
he'll go back to his crib. My husband says I'm making him into a
demanding monster. Am I?
Dr. Sana Khan:
Not at this age. You are learning what his cries and demands mean.
I think you sound lovely and attentive. Your husband may simply be
a little jealous, and that's absolutely normal. I call it "gatekeeping."
All adults who care passionately about the same baby are
unconsciously jealous of each other. Talk to your husband about
how he's feeling. As you both learn more about your baby's cries
and needs, you'll come to see that in time he will begin to soothe
himself. But he's not there yet. Usually at about three to four
months he'll be ready to watch a mobile or reach for a toy and
become resourceful on his own. But indulge him now. It's fun!
III]
Question: We've always been lenient about chores with
our children, but now that our eldest is a preteen, I'm beginning
to think we made a mistake. His attitude is that he owes nothing
to the family. All he cares about are his friends. If I ask him to
do anything, even something small like hang up his coat, he just
rolls his eyes and walks away. Is it too late to start enforcing
rules?
Dr. Sana Khan:
I certainly hope not. This is common preteen behavior. When it
comes to negativity, preteens are comparable to two- to
three-year-olds. They both love the word no.
I suggest that you institute a weekly family sit-down. List all
the chores that need to be done to "keep the family going." Go
around in a circle and let each family member choose one chore,
until they are all chosen. This will help everyone feel that he is
contributing to meeting the family's needs. Then have the whole
family decide what the penalties will be if chores aren't done-for
instance, no allowance or no excursions. Also decide how you will
celebrate when everyone does perform his chores. And when your son
is not acting up, be sure to have some enjoyable one-to-one times
with him.
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